weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
