my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize