I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
