she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
