My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
