get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize