So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
