The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
