I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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