You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
