I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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