we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just gift wrapped bread.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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