Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
