3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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