I just threw up on my dentist
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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