i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
