sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
