Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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