I will die if light touches me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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