bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
