Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I touched a dick in church today
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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