Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize