This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
