i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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