Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
