My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
