How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
