Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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