Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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