You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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