I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
