Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
