remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
