Your face is a jimmy john
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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