I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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