Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
