when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
