Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
