thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
