It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
