I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
