what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
