I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
