I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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