Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
