i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
