I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
