She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
