I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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