I wish my penis had an off switch
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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