she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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