Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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