go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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