a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
