babies were throwing up all over the place
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
