i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize