someone threw a dead crab at me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
