Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
it's like iHOP with fire
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pants are for mortals
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
