4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
