So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
