so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
