I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
